Having a Bad Self-esteem Day
Aujene- Jecole , May 21, 2021
Today I woke up with sadness on my mind. My brain was replaying everything I hated about my life and soon the hatered got contagious. This year I have made a concious effort to love myself and my body, but this morning I was feeling horrible! Nasty thoughts kept attacking me and I had to rebuttle with a word from God. I choose to use God's word because I know they are true. It's a little difficult to speak life into yourself when you don't even believe in yourself at the moment. Struggling with my inner thoughts as I get ready for my apple appointment at the mall I finally make it out the door. I know how to get the fashion show mall by heart but as I'm driving it's a bit difficult for me to get over because traffic was so heavy and I missed my exit. DESTINYLY, the next exit was the dream home I had asked God for. So I prayed over it, drove past and then I hopped back on the freeway. Even if the luxury condo is not meant for me because God has greater, it helped remind me in my moment of feeling defeated that where I am today, doesn't define where God is taking me tommorow. Realizing that I was 45 minutes late to this apple appointment just helped me to slow down, breathe and speak faith against all the worries that were crossing my mind. I felt a little crazy because just 30 seconds before I was speaking faith I was speaking doubt. I had to let it out though I didn't want to keep those thoughts bottled. God is teaching me, he is my safe space for ranting. So as soon as I let it all out I asked God for help with my mental! I told God if he could just give me some extra encouragement today to combat these lies that were attacking me about my Beauty it would help so much. Dragging my feet out the car in the mall I was seriously dreading the thought of people looking at me. I fixed my plain long sleeve black-top and made sure my blue jeans were zipped up. Fluttered by thougths I walk quickly into the double-door entrance. Upon my entrance a group of Men that were about 7 people deep were all staring at me. Trying to lowkey swerve out the way, one of them speaks up and says "Oh my gosh Queen you are so beautiful!" then the other one says "Yes you are the most beauitful black queen!". Then they all began publicly admiring my beauty . It was like a whole 30 second praise concert of compliments. I thanked them for there kinds words! It's funny because they'll never know how much they helped me mentally by just sowing a seed of kindness with a compliment. As I walked away I whispered to God "thank you" about 5 times. God used them men to reassure me when I was feeling insecure, I truly heard God inbetween every compliment that spilled into my heart. Once I reached the apple store the representatives told me that because I was late the next available time slot would be within two hours. I was at the fashion show mall so I knew two hours would literally fly by.
Right across from the apple store was a fashion show stage of handsome men modeling. They all wore white shirts and jeans. For about 5 minutes I stood there analyzing the confidence in each walk and day-dreamed about one of them talking to me. Then I got bored and went to nordstrom. I found a gigantic mirror, stood infront of it, and repeated three times " I am fearfully and wonderfully made!" Then I walked out went to chipotle and found a corner where I could plug my laptop up. I needed more positivity so I began searching motivational videos on youtube to help feed my inner beauty. As I'm minding my business a Man spies at \ me through the window I'm sitting infront of. I glared the evil-eye back at him because I simply couldn't understand why he was staring at me. Then I turn to my right and I spy two of the models from the fashion show runway in restaurant. The man staring at me then pokes his head in the door and publicly praises my hair infront of the models , he told me " I love your hair I had to come tell you this, your hair looks so cute". Now the models are staring at me and I'm blushing! In my eyes that was God speaking through that man. This morning I was feeling a little insecure about my natural hair. I was wearing two buns ( my signature look lol) but somehow my confidence in this style was struggling. I was happy that God helped me today with compliments about the exact things that had been bothering me. God is so real and if you look for me he will show up it doesn't matter how small or signifacnt the situation may seem. It's okay to be sad and still put your trust in him. God really made my day! I needed this. And to people who give compliments THANK YOU! Your kind words honestly can change the life of someone. It helped me get victory today!
(Video: https://youtu.be/MmigTid5bmU How To Reinvent Yourself In 2021)